"What do you do for a living?" might be an outdated question - but what should we ask instead?

A couple of weeks ago in my newsletter, I mused on the age-old party question “What do you do for a living?”:

One of the discussions that came up in the chat was about who we are away from work, and specifically in situations … meeting new people, and being given a platform to talk about yourself. Inevitably, the first question (or one of the first, at least) that we ask new people we meet is “What do you do?”

This question is as old as time – by which I mean, I guess, as old as capitalism, which isn’t as old as time at all – but in recent years, it’s been put under the microscope. If I may, back to quoting myself (see the newsletter in full here):

Personally, I don't particularly mind being asked this question: there's only a little separation between Me At Work and Me Away From Work, so I'm happy to answer it. Also, I'm fascinated by what people do for work, so it's a question I have asked loads in the past!
However, I know that's not how everyone feels, and there are a lot of implicit assumptions that underlie that question. Namely, there's the thought that work = the person and the person = their work. That's not true for everyone. Even if you don't subscribe to that, there's still the assumption that work is the most interesting thing about that person. Also not true. There's also the idea that people have to do work they absolutely love, which I - perhaps controversially - don't believe to be true either. Although usually asked with the best of intentions, it can leave the person asked feeling reduced to a worker and nothing more, rather than the multi-faceted person they are: and that's not what I want at all.

But let’s return back to that scenario painted above: a party (gathering/soiree/networking event/work meeting at Number 10). You’re in the orbit of people who seem like engaged, interesting people you’d love to get into a conversation with. They’re walking closer. They’re making eye contact. Oop - they’re introducing themselves. What would you like to be asked, instead of “What do you do for a living?”

I got some brilliant replies to this from my email community (you can sign up to be part of that here, by the way), and frankly it seemed unfair to gatekeep them – not least because I very rarely get invited to work meetings at Number 10 – so I thought I’d share them below!

Erin said: “I'd love to be asked 'What's on the moodboard of YOU?'. That way you can choose to open up and enthuse about what you want on your own terms. Lush! X” (Please let it be known, you are always welcome to show me your moodboard within minutes of meeting me. I used to say this to brides all the time when I worked in a wedding dress shop, and it holds in this situation too.)

Azul suggested: “What are you passionate about? What gives you joy? What activity are you doing when you’re “in flow” (aka when time melts away and you can put your head down and next time you look up 3hrs have passed and you didn’t even notice)?" If money/time/responsibilities were no object, what would you be doing right now?/what would your typical day look like? What did you love doing when you were little/ what was a typical day like for 8yr old you? (Though that last one I think you can ask when you know someone a bit, lest you bring up trauma without knowing someone well.)”

Catherine suggested – and I didn’t even pay her to do so – that I have one in-built already. “What are you enthusiastic about? I’ve heard it suggested as ‘what are you passionate about’ but I think that’s a bit forcefully committal for a first introduction. Probably heard the suggestion in an American TED talk lol. You could also rephrase it to what are you curious about…”

She also hit the nail on the head by mentioning an element to this that I’d been pondering, too: that “what do you do for a living” is – for all its flaws – to a certain degree a helpful social formula, because it’s got an easily defined and expected scope. For this reason, Catherine “also enjoy[s] the very accessible ‘How was your day?’ As it’s quite a tight brief, there’s no panic that could be caused by having to search for an un-prepared answer that will impress and make you sound interesting; and in telling you about their day people often tell a lot about themselves.” Jean said this too, saying that it feels “kinda natural, but I do have to force myself to do it!”

Rachael said “I much prefer "what do you do?" (which I think one could answer about what they do for fun, what they do for their heart and soul, in addition to their work) to "what's your story?" which feels a little excessively intimate? Like...you have to work up to the story of moi! (That was a little reference to a different part of the newsletter which made me chuckle – look, I’m not saying we have in-jokes a plenty, but it might sometimes make you smile, so I’ll just pop that sign-up link again here.) “Though, I think we can agree the worst is the Washington DC go-to, "where do you work?", a blatant, shameless network plea if I ever heard one.” (Suddenly imagining myself at some kind of political bruncheon answering this question with “MY KITCHEN TABLE BABES, EVEN PRE PANORAMA!”

And I loved this from Siobhan: “I’m one of those people. Work to me is a means to an end…I’ve also been in the position a number of times where I’ve been asked what I do and I have to have that awkward conversation about being let go or being on sick leave. I’m quite happy to talk to someone about what it’s like having a breakdown, losing all confidence and learning how to function again but for some, understandably, this is a bit deep for a dinner conversation. Work can also be a bit of a trigger for some people who have struggled (and this was really apparent during the pandemic. Talking about work, even if it was a job they weren’t particularly fond of, brought a lot of friends sadness.)

“So much pressure is put on us from a young age that you have to get a “good” job. A good job could mean different things to different people: high earning? Highly respected? Important? A position of power? These are all societal expectations of a good job. What’s more, people without jobs (or a regular income) are dehumanised: I’m often asked when I’m going to get a “proper job” (even when I’m on payroll!)

“So I guess after this long ramble (with so many quotation marks) I think I’m saying that “what do you do?” is a fair question, but it’s association with work or employment is the issue. Someone’s worth is more than a job they inhabit, obviously not excluding those who have found jobs that they love like yourself. Perhaps it’s on the person answering to fully open up this question, circumnavigate work and instead talk about all the wonderful things they do besides.”

What do you think? What would you like to be asked in this situation, if not What do you do for a living? What will you be asking going forward? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

header image by Ron Lach